Thursday, January 20, 2011

The Pag-aasawa is not equal to Kaning Mainit Rule

ang pag aasawa ay hindi parang kanin na isusubo mo lang at pag napaso ka ay pwede mong iluwa

Two weeks ago, I watched Star Cinema’s “My Amnesia Girl”.  If you haven’t watched it yet, Toni G. didn’t actually have amnesia, she just pretended because she wanted to fool Lloydie into thinking that she’s forgotten him already after he left her in front of the altar on the day of their wedding.

This weekend, I watched another Star Cinema film “I do”, starring Erich Gonzales and Enchong Dee.  The story was about a pregnant Erich wanting for them (Enchong and her) to get married but Enchong cannot marry her because his family is against it.  Enchong did try to fight for her but lost the battle several times, their supposed wedding day was always rescheduled.  Erich and her family get humiliated every time.

Yesterday, I started watching “Sex and the City” in my iTouch.  I’m not done with it yet (because I only watch it while on the shuttle to or from work) but I’m already done with the part where the lead girl (I don’t watch the series so I can’t remember the name, haha) was stood up by her supposed groom on their wedding day.  She had the most beautiful dress pa naman, sayang lang. :(

Three films, same pain. 

Although I must say I was affected the most by “Sex and the City” because the excitement of the bride before the wedding and the hurt she felt after the almost-wedding was really emphasized there.  Plus she’s forty freakin’ years old and the guy she’s (supposed to be) marrying was her boyfriend for a freakin’ decade! But that didn’t push him to get out of the freakin’ car, no it didn’t, something else always rules over the minds of these guys, gosh I don’t know why.

Haha. Affected much?!


I just remembered this article I read some weeks ago.  It’s entitled “Why did I marry you anyway?” by Barbara Bartlein, RN, MSW.  This article changed my life. (my life talaga?!?! Haha!)  Before, I was really excited to get married, but after having read this (and after watching those movies, haha), I realized, maybe I’m not really excited of the “marriage”, maybe it’s only the “wedding” and the thought of a beautiful me on a white gown that tickles me. Maybe that’s it.  Maybe I’m not ready yet.  Scratch that, maybe we’re not ready yet. Hehe.

Here, let me share with you excerpts of the article, adding my thoughts on each snippet.  (So you’ll know the reason for the sudden change of heart).

  • If you are always too busy, too tired, or too stressed to spend time with your spouse, the rewards will be meager.  If the bulk of your interests and passions lie outside the marriage, the relationship simply will not grow.  If work, money, and possessions become your top priorities, your marriage will reflect this.  If, however, you discover shared interests and spend time together, your marriage will be the best part of your life

me: I definitely wouldn’t want money to be an issue for me and my future husband.  Nor will I allow to him to prioritize work over me and our future family.  I am not aiming for an ideal setup of a family, that’s too much to ask, but at the very least I want him to make me and the family we are about to build be his number one priority.  Over money, over work, over anger, over pride, over boy’s night outs, over everything, the wife and the family should be put first.

  • Anger scares people, and angry people are scary.  I have seen many relationships absolutely demolished because one or both partners cannot handle anger appropriately.  When anger is expressed inappropriately, it is like walking in a minefield.  You are never sure when a bomb is going off and what part of your heart and soul will be torn apart.  Anger is unpredictable and this makes people nervous and unsure of how to react.

me: Nothing, it’s just true.  True naman diba? Hehe..

  • Part of having a successful marriage is letting go of the single lifestyle, and not in a begrudging, sullen manner, or arguing with your spouse like a spoiled child being dragged by exhausted parents out of Chuck E. Cheese’s.  Rather, letting go is best achieved with the positive excitement of embracing something new and realizing that the single life is just one chapter of hopefully a long life – not the end of your journey.

me: Ah… the single lifestyle.  As long as we (my boyfriend and I) cannot give this single kind of life up with the whole of our hearts, then I think we aren’t ready to be a Mr.-and-Mrs. yet.  I admit, like what Maude said here, I still have so many things in mind that I wanted to do or to buy and places to go to that I still haven’t accomplished yet.  So I think I’m still not ready to bid singleness goodbye.  As per V, I’m not sure but if I'm correct I think he still loves DOTA and he still doesn’t want to be prohibited by new responsibilities that married life will bring. Haha.

  • The best marriages are the ones in which couples focus on spending time together.  These spouses are like great roommates: pleasant to be around, willing to compromise, and eager for fun.  Always ready to try new activities, they enjoy their lives and their time together.  The energy that surfaces from shared hobbies and activities bring spontaneity and excitement to the marriage, even when the activity itself flops.

me: Aside from the “spending-time-together” part, it’s also important to know that we could keep the enthusiasm up until death because until death will we only part once we said “I do”.  Mahirap na, mamaya sa una lang pala excited and focused, pero after some years, one of us gets bored and gets cold na.

  • Couples with strong marriages recognize that activities may change over the years, but commitment to discovering together does not.  They are open to trying new things and having new experiences, and they laugh together even when everything seems to go wrong.  Some couples insist that they do not have the money to spend time together, but many free activities can be fun when done together such as walks in the park or coffee on the patio.

me: Again, the enthusiasm to be with your partner is the key.  You’ll never run out of things to do or things to talk about if you’re always, always excited to be with your partner.

  • Couples often complain that they are too busy to invest the time to be together.  Yet in the next breath they will tell me of their dissatisfactions with how the marriage is going.  I talk to them about the principle of input equaling output, suggesting that great results cannot be expected when the effort going in is minimal.  Marriage is hard work and you get out of it what you invest in it.

me: I like the lines “input equaling output”.  It is indeed true that great results cannot be expected when the effort going in is minimal.  The question is, am I ready to exert great effort to keep a marriage working?  Is he? *tulala*

  • We all have this need for autonomy, the need to feel in control of our own lives, the freedom to keep some part of who we are just for ourselves.  Autonomy is the reason the business executive plays in a band on the weekends, or the busy homemaker studies stand-up comedy and appears at the local comedy clubs.  Autonomy is the basic need to have something dear to our hearts that expresses who we are and helps us grow.

me: Giving your single life up doesn’t mean giving up your individuality.  In fairness, I still feel my autonomy though I’m in a relationship with V.  I still get to go out with my girls and I still get to do what ever things I want with friends.  Sya rin naman ata, may autonomy pa rin. Hihi.

  • Autonomy is an essential human need.  As the counterpart to common interests, it is a critical element for a happy marriage.  Wise couples actively work to find the balance between the two.  While contented partners are devoted to each other, each partner has other interests and his or her own friends.  Even in the best marriages, wise partners do not hitch all their dreams to one person.
me: Uhh… Parang inulit lang yung sa taas? Hehe.

  • Perhaps because of this ability to read emotion, wives generally manage family activities, including relations with extended family.  They arrange holiday and birthday celebrations, anniversaries, and family visits.  Wives take on the primary role in managing the social life of the couple and family.  Call it intuition, or simply care-taking, women get so involved in caring for others, they forget to care for themselves.

me: Eto! Eto! Here comes a more serious part.  I don’t want to think about this thoroughly yet, I guess I’ll be crossing the bridge when I get there.  But this is still one issue we or I should get ready for.  Gawd.

  • Money means different things to different people.  For some, money represents security.  The more they have in the bank, the more secure they feel.  For others, it is simply a means to an end, and often that end is fun.  Then, for some, money is a means of control that allows one to demand compliance from other people.  Whatever your orientation, you and your partner’s ability to agree about money will greatly reduce the conflict in your marriage.

me: Exactly.  On our case, I am the one who thinks that money is just a means to an end. Haha!  Him? I guess he’s both “money is a means of control” and “money represents security”.  Haha! Compliment!!  Anyhoo… Like I said, although this is another thing to think about, I guess we’ll just cross the bridge when we get there.

Oh diba, oh diba… Andaming iisipin!!!

I don’t want to be like Tony G. on “My Amnesia Girl”, or Erich on “I do” or Sarah Jessica Parker (Carrie) on “Sex and the City” (okay, I googled it) – I might die of heartache if that is ever possible.  On the other hand, I also don’t want to be the one having cold feet because I rushed into things not thinking if I am really really ready.  So, the best thing to do is to really wait.  Wait until I’m ready and capable.  Wait until my maturity level is high enough.  Wait until my partner is ready and capable.  Wait until his maturity level is high enough.  Most of all… wait until that freaking engagement ring falls to my left palasingsingan.  Hahahaha! ;p

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