Sunday, September 4, 2011

The Detachment Rule

warning: madrama

I’m a girl, I have very powerful girl hormones, and therefore, I’m a drama queen.

I admit there are times when I’m not only a drama queen, but also a major pain in the ass (mostly to my own self and unfortunately also to my beau).  I don’t know why but I always let emotions rule over me, most especially the two extreme opposite sentiments – happiness and sadness.  When I’m happy, I am super happy that sometimes my head aches from over-smiling and laughing and being mega giddy all day.  When I’m sad, I feel nothing more than wanting to disappear (but no, never had I once tried to end my life, haha! Takot ko lang! ;p)  But seriously, I hate being sad, who loves being one by the way?  Haha.  For this, I often hate myself.  I hate that I’m always carried away by my feelings and that sometimes, I feel like my emotions are my masters, when it should be the other way around.

So from now on, I will TRY to learn how to detach.  Not “detach” in the sense of disengaging myself from anything, I don’t want that.  I don’t want to be indifferent, I want to care.  But here, let me quote Mitch Albom to explain “detachment” to you.

Learn to detach...Don't cling to things, because everything is impermanent... But detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you. Like what I told ya ;) On the contrary, you let it penetrate fully. I’m good at this na, it’s a start right?  That's how you are able to leave it... This I got to freakin’ learn. Take any emotion--love for a woman, or grief for a loved one, or what I'm going through, fear and pain from a deadly illness. If you hold back on the emotions--if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them--you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. You're afraid of the vulnerability that love entails. But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, 'All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment. Hell yeah, that’s what I’m gonna do.

Now why do I suddenly feel like I need to learn how to isolate?  I can blame my dysfunctional family, my ill-tempered boyfriend, my boring life, my super-fun-but-so-far-away-from-me-friends, but I think it is all me.  This is the first time I’ll admit it, but I think I’m in the middle of a “quarter-life” crisis.  Seriously I don’t know why people call this “quarter-life”, do we expect to live up to a hundred years?  Haha, la lang ;)  But again, I think I’m in the freakin’ middle of it.  The past few days weeks I was always sad, I was always needy, I was hard to please, I easily got frustrated, I bitch about shallow things, I think about a lot of things, I wanted to go places, I wanted to evade routinary tasks, and I always felt the need to do things like this is my last year on earth.  Not only is it stressful, but it also weighed heavily on my relationship with V.  It’s him that I talk to everyday and it’s him that absorbs all these.  It came to a point where we almost reached the peaks of our tolerance.

But after weeks of being depressed for various reasons (and at the same time, for no reasons at all), I am now detaching myself from the crisis that (it appears to me) is only in my mind.  No more whining, no more bitching around, no more impossible demands.  Only enjoyment, only contentment.

I was always sad then, I am now familiar with sadness, and I can let it go.  I was needy then, I am now familiar with neediness, and I can let it go.  I was hard to please, I easily got frustrated, I know that now so I will learn how to manage my expectations and be able to let my frustrations go.  I overthink, I became familiar with the stress it brought, I can let it go. I became demanding, I hated the feeling of not getting what I want, I know that now and I can now learn how to not depend on anybody when it comes to my self-fulfillment.

I can do this, right? :)  Detachment, ON!!!


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